It is 5:30 a.m. I am awake because Tanner 'slept' in my bed; which is Cooper's old bed. A twin bed for a wiggly boy and me doesn't work out. Not to mention the oxygen machine is incredibly loud. Tanner had one for a while but I don't remember it being so noisy. Cooper was crying last night at 11:30. He couldn't sleep/hadn't slept yet , because of the noise. I went into comfort him and fell asleep on my nice queen bed with him. I woke up at 5 to check on Randy. He had texted Austen to empty his pee in the night so I could sleep.
Here is what I need:
- time away from Tanner during business hours so I can make calls to figure out if there is a way for us to get temporary disability.
-time away from Tanner to pay my 'normal' bills that I have not had time to look at since the accident
-my bathroom put back together so when someone needs a towel, or a band-aid I can find it! (shelves please)
-door knobs installed (Ron is doing that today.)
-a door bell that works! Therapy people and others have stopped by. I could not hear them as I was downstairs doing laundry.
-loud bell for Randy to beckon me. (same problem as above) My mom is bringing one today when she babysits for me while I work.
-baseboards out of Coopers room and installed to a wall (with my bed in his room it is squished to ridiculous in there. No room to move to get dressed. Forget play. No telling how long before the boards are stepped on and crack. (Kevin is going to install them tonight)
-uninterrupted sleep!!! I can not function without it. I tend to need more than some people can get by on. And I have been sleep deprived for weeks now.
-For someone else to do homework with Tanner. He hates to work with me normally anyhow. And now I don't have the time or energy now to fight with him on it.
-To find Randy's leg exercize paper from the hospital. I swear I knew right where it was but I looked all over without any luck. (therapy people came today and gave him a hand written one)
-light switch plates on. I am so tired I find my hand stuck in the openings a few times now. (Brook will try to do these today. She doesn't know I need to buy/find some more. Mine have been broken)
-Time. I was too busy before the accident to even make a doctor appointment for myself. I am past due for my yearly and out of some of my medicine because of it. But now, it seems impossible.
- normal household chores
I know it all seems so simple. But without my sleep it seems impossible. Here is what I think the difference is between a sudden tragic accident and having a baby.
Baby= 9 months to prepare every needed thing, and a book to tell you what that would be
accident= too sudden to plan, no one tells you how to prepare
Baby= helpless, yet can use diaper without help (diapers are a quick chore to change)
accident= helpless, can't get to restroom alone, even if we used a diaper I couldn't change him quickly or painlessly. I can't lift him or move him in that way.
Baby = sleeps quietly most of the time
accident=needs noisy machine each time he is asleep
Baby= I would have planned my remodel to be finished before giving birth (we moved one week before I had Austen. He was a week early. Yet I still had everything put away, cleaned and I was prepared for is arrival)
accident= bring husband home during remodel. Waited for toilet to be installed to use it. Used a bedside commode while we waited. I thought that taking a bag of poo to the trash was worse than taking out a dirty diaper. Just so ya know.
Baby= anyone can change their diaper. They don't mind
accident= not anyone can restroom their 'diaper area'. Too embarrassing.
I suppose this last one is more like breastfeeding. Which I didn't do for this reason. It ties you down too much. If the baby is hungry only mom will do. Which means I would have only had two hours to be away at a time. So this is very much like the restroom ordeal. Only worse. So I would have to say this one doesn't count.
Okay, enough of my ranting. Now I'm off to take my sweetie to the bathroom, take kids to school, and go to work for the day. Then pick up from school and start my new life with a smile. And hope that on Thursday I will have time to do all of the above on my day off of work.
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ReplyDeleteI promise things will get better. Whenever I was overwhelmed I would just lay my head on Justin's chest and cry (I couldn't climb in bed with him because it was too painful for him) because despite all the craziness he was alive. And when it all came down to it that was all I needed. I knew the situation would get better day by day and just needed to remember that. For some reason just a small pause and to be near him without helping him or helping the kids was such a boost of my moral. The kids were sometimes yelling on the other side of the locked door but I let them for a while so I could just love Justin for a minute. It really does help to put things into perspective. For an hour or two anyways. :) Hang in there, you're doing awesome. I've said it before but man, you have one lucky family to have you as their mom and wife.
ReplyDeleteThank you Tricia! You brought tears to my eyes. I was able to lay my head on Randy's chest yesterday but only for 5 min. Literally. There isn't any time to be with him and not be serving any one. Especially alone. And I didn't even have a door knob until yesterday. I'm not even so sure if it locks. I like the idea of having an hour to just be still with Randy. I had to text him today to ask him a question, but we will have to discuss it later when therapy people and others are gone. I know your right. Just the fact that he is alive and in my case still have both legs is all that matters. Thanks for the positive moral booster! I really do love you. And I sure do miss you!
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